Part 9 – Lay Down with a Man, Repent at Leisure
🎧 Prefer to listen? Hear the spoken-word version above.
Editor’s Note: This entry was written early in my awakening. It is raw, unfiltered, and honest — not to shame anyone, but to honour the weight of what I walked through and the strength God built in me through it.
They say, “Marry in haste, repent at leisure.”
But some of us learned a deeper lesson:
Lay down with a man — and repent for decades.
There are men who don’t just take your body.
They take your stability.
Your plans.
Your future.
And then they disappear into the smoke of their own immaturity.
My son’s father didn’t just ghost me —
he ghosted his child.
Fourteen years.
Fourteen birthdays.
Fourteen years of school runs, packed lunches, late nights, early mornings,
being the one who showed up every single time.
Fourteen years of carrying what he dropped the moment life got too real.
He turned his back.
He stepped out of the story.
And he’ll never know the remarkable young man he walked away from.
But I do.
I raised him.
I carried the cost.
I bore the weight.
And still —
I rose.
So no, inconsistency doesn’t shock me.
Breadcrumbs don’t tempt me.
A smooth talker with empty hands?
That’s ancient history.
I didn’t avoid men all these years because I’m afraid of them.
I avoided them because I know the cost of choosing wrong.
I know what it feels like to pay the bill while he walks away smiling.
I know what it means to rebuild from scratch.
So now, if I ask for more…
if I expect to be earned…
if I refuse to settle for attention without intention…
It’s not because I’m difficult.
It’s because I’ve survived the consequences.
I’ve lived the fallout.
I’ve paid the highest price.
You want access to me?
Don’t come with words.
Come with consistency.
Come with courage.
Come with character.
Because I’ve already paid the cost once.
And I will never —
ever —
pay it for free again.
Reflection (Written Later, After the Spirit’s Work)
Looking back, I can see the ache beneath this entry — the wound of raising a child alone and carrying responsibility someone else walked away from. But I also see the strength God formed in me, the discernment He forged through pain, and the identity He resurrected. This wasn’t just heartbreak. It was holy preparation.
With fire and grace,
This message carries fire. Pass it on. 👇🏻
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Victoria Player is an emerging prophetic voice, spiritual disruptor, and single mother based in the UK. She is the founder of Daughter of Thunder—a raw, Spirit-led platform for awakening women and equipping the remnant. After walking through decades of emotional abuse, loss, and dismantling, Victoria now shares her unfiltered journey of healing, calling, and consecration. Through her writing, she calls the hidden ones out of silence and into bold, holy purpose.
