Part 6 – Too Much for Him, But Just Right for Me
🎧 Prefer to listen? Hear the spoken-word version above.
Editor’s Note: This entry was written before the Holy Spirit softened and healed many of the wounds beneath it. I am sharing it in its raw form to honour the truth of my journey. This is not written to blame, expose, or accuse, but to show what the Breaking really looked like.
There’s something heartbreakingly familiar about him — my brother.
His distance, his silence, his disappearing acts… all of it echoes the same pattern I’ve met in emotionally unavailable men.
Only this time, it’s family.
He once said he only keeps people in his life who “benefit” him.
And I suppose that told me everything.
I’m not a benefit.
I’m a burden.
Too much truth, too much emotion, too much presence.
But isn’t that what he’s been avoiding his entire life?
He rarely sees our mother.
He has estranged himself from other parts of the family.
He even avoids spending time with his partner’s warm, welcoming relatives at Christmas.
He chooses solitude — not because it brings him joy, but because it protects him from closeness.
Safety, for him, looks like walls.
And his partner… she’s lovely.
Soft, kind, gentle.
The embodiment of low-drama support.
I really like her. I genuinely do.
But connection with her goes through him, and he keeps that door locked tight.
It stings.
Not because I need his approval — I don’t.
But because I miss the brother I once believed existed underneath all the armour.
Even when I try to reconnect — like suggesting a simple family lunch — he disappears.
Not in anger.
Not in conflict.
In silence.
And every time, a small part of me wonders:
Was I too much again?
Did I share too much?
Was I insensitive without knowing?
But here’s the truth I keep coming back to:
I’m not too much.
I’m simply the wrong shape for the tiny emotional world he’s chosen to live in.
A world with rigid walls, low oxygen, and no room for anything that requires vulnerability.
It frightens me to see him behind the same emotional wall that consumed another member of our family.
I don’t say that lightly.
I say it with grief.
But I also see:
He is choosing the wall.
And I am choosing not to shrink anymore.
So today, I honour my voice.
I honour my heart.
I honour the fact that I speak deeply, feel fiercely, and show up honestly — even in places where that isn’t always met.
And while it hurts to be shut out, I can walk away knowing this:
I showed up with love.
And that is a victory all its own.
With fire and grace,
This message carries fire. Pass it on. 👇🏻
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Victoria Player is an emerging prophetic voice, spiritual disruptor, and single mother based in the UK. She is the founder of Daughter of Thunder—a raw, Spirit-led platform for awakening women and equipping the remnant. After walking through decades of emotional abuse, loss, and dismantling, Victoria now shares her unfiltered journey of healing, calling, and consecration. Through her writing, she calls the hidden ones out of silence and into bold, holy purpose.
